# Jobs In The Offshore Industry



## Blackal

Oilfield Job Descriptions
*Oil Co. Honcho* – The Top Bloke. Invariably overseas from location. He puts all the blame on the drilling superintendent when asked why the budget looks so bad and profits are down. He has never liked him anyway and didn’t want him appointed. He feels all the people under him are incompetent. His heroes are Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler and Thatcher. He is a very good golfer and that is about all he does. He’d like to pork the secretary but having come so far up the ladder he has indeed, as opposed to others under him, learned that the consequences of this move would be too far reaching in that he might actually have to work. Talks a lot about Health and Safety when what he really means is ‘cut the costs’. He would rather shoot employees than fire them, but off-site and not on company time. Has few friends and no family. Drives a big Lexus or Jag or Beamer and burns the motor up because he never checks the oil and is always running out of petrol. Believes he should be appointed president of the SPE / API / IADC for life. Wants to do drugs (“for experimental purposes only”) but doesn’t know where to buy them. Would love to see Cherie Blair in a basque and is possibly one of the few people that just might.

*Drilling Superintendent* – He’s the Co. Man’s boss invariably has an Oxbridge or St. Andrews degree. Got the job due to seniority and because nobody else was prepared to stick their head that far above the trench. Gets the blame for everything because the people under him, somehow or other, get him to make the wrong, final decision at 2:30 a.m. Gets out of the office at 4:00 p.m. but doesn’t get home till 9:00 p.m. Has his wife tell anyone that calls that he isn’t in so the guys who work for him wait till 2:30 a.m. to call because they know he’ll answer the phone then. He is commonly seen as the fall guy for anything bad that happens. Even though his bosses don’t like him they will never fire him because they will need a fall guy. By the age 58 he needs a liver transplant, is developing Alzheimer’s and still does not have the big boat he’s always dreamed of sailing and still never has the time to go away for a weekend trip up the west coast.

*Petroleum / Drilling Engineer* – Heriot-Watt or Imperial graduate who works for the Oil Co. his father retired from. Is 26 years old and has a attractive wife. Thinks every job is easy and there is never a reason for problems on the rig. Understands non-Euclidean geometry and multi-dimensional mathematics but cannot change the fuse on a plug. Knows about the stock market but is always skint. In fact he never has any cash in his pockets. Buys all his clothes from Man at C ‘n’ A or Burtons and shops at Aldai or another pile-‘em-high cash-‘n’-carry. Thinks he could run the Company better than present management and has read all the books on Scientology and Quantum Mechanics. Is planning to do an MBA.
Company Man – Employed by the oil company because they needed someone with practical knowledge of drilling a well. Knows everything there is to know about everything. Usually has at least 90 years experience. He has personally drilled the deepest well, been on the world’s worst blowout ever and is the world’s greatest lover. Thinks everyone but himself is dumb. Thinks most toolpushers couldn’t even carry his fully insulated freebie tea drinking vessel. When something bad happens he tells everyone he knew it was going to happen 3 weeks ago and had told everyone but no one would listen to him. Has a unique way of knowing who to put the blame on. Is usually in debt due to large divorce settlement and rumors about layoffs give him nightmares. Still he can “….always go back to Saudi”. Thinks consultants are overpaid and would really like to be one but knows no one in their right mind would hire him. Prays every night he will win the lottery.

*Consultant Night Company Man* – Overpaid and under-worked. Starting to get afraid that he’s running out of oil companies to work for. Always dreaming of his glory days when he earnt 9/10ths of **** all as a sample catcher. Tells anyone who’ll listen he was this or that company’s trouble-shooter before it went broke or was bought out and everyone was fired. If no one will listen, he sleeps till 5 AM then hassles everyone for their reports so that he can do his then complains that no one got theirs in on time when his is late. Saw the light and became a mud “engineer” and learned the Co. Man business by hanging around the office and answering the phone when the Co. Man and toolpusher went to breakfast. Got his first Co. Man job in the boom of ’78. Has worked all over the world and been held hostage 5 times. Has been to Gaddafi’s beach villa to discuss world problems and chewed coca leaves with the Frente in Colombia. Claims to be a pretty good golfer and fisherman. Has been married 3 or 4 times and tells everyone he knows how to avoid paying child support. Always based ‘overseas’ and has the wildest stories on how to avoid paying tax which never work which is why he moves his country of residence every 4 years.
O.I.M – That’s short for Offshore Installation Manager in case you didn’t know and boy does he want to let you know. He’s just a glorified toolpusher who ****ed up and was promoted because it would cost too much to fire him. Tells the toolpusher he knows everything and worries a lot about the supply boats, manning levels and ‘potable’ water and how to deliver the next round of cost cuts to the Oil Company / Drilling Company big cheese. Has been to every drilling and management school there is and is either a fisherman or caravanner on the q.t.. Tries to make everyone think he knows how to use the computer but constantly calls the I.T. dept. or radio operator who, as usual, do nothing. Does not like the Toolpusher because of something that happened when they roughnecked together eons ago. Thinks he should be Superintendent and that all Company Men are stupid.

*Toolpusher (Land Jobs)* – Thinks he’s God, or at least the new Messiah. Dreams of owning a drilling co. and showing the whole world he can drill deeper holes faster than anyone. Talks bad about the Company Man and how he’s always having to bail him out of trouble. Dreams of becoming a Company Man so he can drive a fancy Company air-conditioned Land Cruiser with sand tyres and get fancy coveralls which never get dirty but need to be washed first every time by themselves. Always has a little dog that likes to f*ck everyone’s leg and always says “hey, ain’t that funny…..he jis likes ya” when it happens. Likes to play Canasta, Euchre, Cribbage, Go Johnny Go Go Go Go or some other obscure card game for most of the afternoon with some gullible mug or two. Always manages to shove the pile of jobs on his list onto somebody else’s list leaving him to look very smart and efficient whereas the number of jobs to do remains the same.

*Toolpusher (Offshore)* – Would like to be able to think he is God. He is a drilling company Cheese nobody. Allegedly in charge of the drilling process and personnel but spends all his time doing paperwork for the OIM, Company Representative, Safety Officer, Drilling Company etc etc. Constantly moans about not being able to get to the drill floor at least to relieve the driller for a smoke-o but secretly loves the warmth of his office and the comfort of his all-singing and dancing tilt-every-way executive chair. Has to ask the OIM what exactly to do every morning. Wonders what movie will be on after 1:00 in the morning. Hopes the satellite receiver is working well because he doesn’t know how change it. More than likely was a scrap merchant or long-distance lorry driver at some time in his life.

*Driller* – He has worked on every rig in the fleet. Major chip on his shoulder because he thinks he should have been promoted to night pusher by now. He is not related to the toolpusher but knows his wife really well. Definitely believes he should be doing everyone else’s job and could certainly do it better than them in half the time. Always looking to get out of the business – never does.

*Assistant Driller* – has more jobs to do than anyone and manages to do none of them completely. Always said to be in one place doing one thing when he’s usually somewhere else dinking coffee or smoking a ***. Chief job is to relieve the driller so that he can go and eat, smoke, drink, poo, and relive the days when he was an Assistant Driller if the OIM will allow him to do that. If not trusted with this task then his main modus operandi is moving from a to b whilst looking busy.

*Derrickman* – Gets paid about 20p more per hour than floorhands and thinks he’s getting rich. He’s either young, strong and stupid or old and bored. Usually he is related to the driller. Thinks the AD is a ******. Gets very protective of the rig pumps. Is usually the only person that understands the mess of lines, pumps, valves, hoppers, overside lines, bungs etc etc between the pumps, mud pits, alongside boats and rigfloor but still manages to dump 600bbl of oil-base mud straight through the pits and back to the ogin on the other side of the rig the first time oil-base comes onboard. If half interested can become a mud-engineer (see below).

*Roughneck* – Was a roustabout but was promoted to roughneck when the real one couldn’t make it because he was either locked up or got the sack for turning up to the check-in pissed. He is the toolpusher’s brother’s youngest son.

*Roustabout* – A roughneck wannabee, but usually too dumb to become one. A walking hazard. Commonly seen lurking in the corner of the tea-shack with a gleekit look on his coupon with others of similar ilk – they too are roustabouts. The one with the yellow jacket is the banksman. Likes the idea of becoming a Mudlogger till he finds out how much money they make.

*Directional Driller* – Likes to think he is bigger than God. 34-45 years old with 5 to 6 years toolpushing, surveying, mud or MWD experience. Got the job because he could turn on a calculator and knows which way the sun rises and sets. The drilling company he was pushing tools for went broke and the best he could do with another company was floorhand. He didn’t want to come down the ladder because when he climbed up it he left too much poo behind. Either that or got fed up in one of the other lines and again had shat on everyone else in that field so much that he needed to move to another line where “…his job expertise was valued”. Always knows ahead of time that something bad was going to happen and knows who to blame. Nothing is ever his fault. Some are married to very young girls, usually Thai or Indonesian, and some are not, But most are paying child support. They all have a boat but never use it. They all live outside of the city or are aiming to. Most of their wives have affairs and those taken up are usually other directional drillers. By the time they are 50 they have nerve problems, alcohol problems, high blood pressure and are impotent. Their wife has run off with a younger directional hand. Later in life no one wants to be around them and they wind up in a nursing home for the poor and mentally unstable where they may run into an old rig electrician they once worked with. The two of them generally die about two days apart.

*Directional Driller Trainee* – Never learns anything because the older directional hand is afraid the trainee may be willing to work cheaper than he is and so will teach him nothing. Knows how to turn on the DD’s computer which is more than the senior DD who refuses to touch the thang. Always calling his wife because they have never been apart for more than 14 days and he’s heard all the stories about DD wives who are left alone for too long. Had a happy young family but won’t have it for too much longer – they either won’t be young or they won’t be happy or they won’t be family. He tells everyone it will never happen to him, but we all know it will. As for the few who make it through training, see above.

*Mud Engineers* – Job title deceiving. They are not really engineers. However they are good talkers and commonly excellent liars. Their job is to play with the drilling fluid and from time to time recommend a recipe to add to it, but because of his title most people think he is smarter than the people he works for are. The derrick hand carries his load for him. He has worked on every rig in every company's fleet. Worked deeper, hotter, colder, flew higher, flew lower, taken the worst chopper ride, taken the best chopper ride and so on and so on. Just ask him if you don’t believe it. Don’t expect to get the true value of anything from him. You might as well make it up yourself because it’s what he does anyway.

*MWD Engineers* – Generally, have too much education and not enough common sense. Very few are married and the ones who are never talk about their wives. They never laugh and talk very little but bull**** endlessly in obscure MWDese. Their silence is a cover for the disgust they have for themselves for the waste of time and money they have spent in education only to find some schemie makes 2-3 times more money then they do on the rigfloor. When sex is brought up, they walk away or relapse into a corner to read Loaded, GQ or some other ‘lad’ mag. You never see one over the age of 45 and no one seems to know what happened to them (Hint: they usually become teachers). They watch too much television and worship the ground that some beardie folk musician or band walk on. They always drink real ale and discourse excessively upon the subject of rugger or cricket. They look and behave like renegades from Top Gear. Their activity level may perk up from that of somnambulistic dubious screen watchers to mere interest when there are problems with their equipment but they have the ‘geological’ bug of being totally incapable of giving a definitive answer without resorting to if’s, but’s, maybe’s and chapters 4,5,and 6 of the MWD Book of Excuses.

*Mudloggers *– Strange individuals. Just past being students but still yearn to be back at uni. Educated enough to wake up in the morning, but guilty of doing the stupidest things. Invariably wear weird clothing and have at least one piece of scrap metal pierced in them somewhere and at least one tattoo. Always have weird hair. . They all look like renegades from Time Team without the Wurzel Gummidge accent or the Dr Mick barnet and jumper (though some have all the above). May be working on a video project / writing a book / mixing a record / an eco-warrior in their time off. The women are even worse and manage to do even less whilst getting uppity about wummin’s rights. The fact that every bloke on the site is trying to tap off does not escape them and they use this whilst proclaiming the sexism thang should they be challenged after loving up whilst doing something practical. They never tap off with anyone below toolpusher level. They think the Geologist runs the oil patch and think they can do better than the geologist on site. Have very pale complexions and are Geologist wannabees. When they finally realize that they do not have the level of bull**** required or the Oxbridge first they become MWD or Mud “Engineers”. Always say that they will call you back when asked for a definitive answer.
Geologist. – Come in two sub-species though there is much interbreeding and common traits between the different strands – both usually showing large amounts of facial hair - and both inhabit very similar environments. Defo Time Team renegades and as interesting as Money Box Live. Uncanny ability to be totally impractical and never to be able to answer a straight question with a straight answer.

*Type A:* (Geologicus Snobodensius oxbridgiensis) Possessed of an intellect the size of a minor planet and two left feet. Unable to do most things for him/herself (indeed there are females of the species), s/he will commonly be found close to the company man and in possession of an inordinate amount of power for one so nerdy. Often heard in the field before seen and distinguished on sound before sight - the call being a loud, brash, enthusiastic and plummy, sometimes even described as “bar-steward posh”. Major aversion to dirt or graft (similar to DD’s in this area). May be called Torquil, Alasdair, Padraig, Jocasta or Doctor Rob.

*Type B*: (Geologicus Oncealogger autisticus) For overlapping characteristics see ‘Mudlogger’. Occupy a transitional phase between Type A and the logger. Trying to be sophisticated but still end up owning a used series 3 Black Mans Willy. Know the difference between grey, light grey and buff grey. Unable to add 2 + 2 without getting an answer somewhere between plus and minus 2 million. 
Bit Salesman / Reps. – They almost always have bad backs, good looking wives and a low golf handicap. Know who’s been hired and who’s been sacked and which is the best rig in the field, and which job another company has ****** up (again…Tsskkkk!!!). He also knows the best titty bars and even knows the girls there by their real names. Got out of another offshore job because it looked like it might involve a bit of work or responsibility. Greases the wheels of the industry whilst talking a load of old pony that’s been fed to him by some boffin in Research. Able to read an IADC Report. Wants to be or is a freemason. Bull**** on legs.

*Cementer* – Has to call the office for every job. Does his very best to work the entire hitch without ever going to his cement unit. Gets more sleep than anyone on the rig and missed his vocation as a professional bed tester. When not sleeping he can usually be found painting a piece of obscure pipe. Worries about gaining weight and whether his relief will get out on time before the next cement job. His primary duty is to answer the phone in the service company office and program the satellite receiver.

*Rig Mechanic* – An old motorman who can no longer lift his little toolbox. Got the job because he knows the superintendent. Gave the superinten his first job on a drilling rig way back when. Not related to anyone on the rig and likes it that way. Will soon retire to somewhere far away from anything to do with oil and spend his time renovating (including hand-lathing all the new parts) vintage vacuum cleaners. Has a pleasant wife that makes jam.

*Motorman* – Too old to pull slips but knows how to fix the Kelly spinner and brake. Tinkers with old cars or motorbikes when onshore. Has his own little toolbox. He is the toolpusher’s uncle. Wanted the Storeman’s job but the guy was too well connected.
Crane Operator – Has many responsibilities. The most important being to hand important looking papers to the heli-pilot in his other role as HLO. Always looking for an above average roustabout he can train to run the crane so all he has to do is stand around, stay clean, **** everybody else off with the medic and do the occasional heli landing (platform crane operator). Usually related to someone in the drilling company office.

*Storeman* – Knows how to change the satellite receiver system and is in charge of all gayball pools and sweeps. Dreams of Aberdeen winning the SPL. Does not own coveralls or steel toed boots but draws a fresh set every quarter from his personal stores which is indeed his fiefdom. Stashes often used parts in obscure places which only he knows about. Runs an inventory on his computer which requires an Enigma machine to decode anything about the stock held and where exactly it is. Hasn’t got a clue what a drilling rig really does and doesn’t want to know. Has more deals going than Las Vegas.

*Safety Officer* – Knows how to read and write and has the ability to look really important when a helicopter lands or a meeting is called. Can never do anything outside as he has to be present at every meeting called inside. The rig cannot operate without him. He also knows how to program the satellite receiver and answer the phone but is unable to find the radio office. Always worried about how much other people weigh. Tries to keep everyone awake at safety meetings usually failing. Tries extra hard to make friends without succeeding. Is possessed with a scurrilous nickname which everybody knows including himself. Manages to be in every photograph taken at rigsite by some strange feat.

*Rig Electrician* – Had his own business a while back but went bust. His wife’s cousin, the night toolpusher, got him the job. Usually been on the same rig for 20-30 years. Hangs on until forced to retire and then ends up in the nursing home for the poor. There he meets an old Directional Driller he might have once worked with and keeps himself busy there fixing electric wheelchairs. The ones who get laid off before they’re 70th birthday go to work for traveling fairs or scrap yards. Earns more doing undeclared homers when onshore than he does offshore. Never available when required.

*Rig Welder* – He can never be found and the only ones who believe his stories are the roustabouts. Always says he’s working on something but needs more time to finish. Usually 45 years old or so. Used to be in the armed forces and sometimes still thinks he is or wishes he was. Still learning to read. Always daydreaming about drink and complaining about the food. One of the drillers is his mother’s sister’s brother-in-law’s son and the driller thinks his relative is the best welder who ever lived.

*Medic / Dispatcher* – Used to work in the health business onshore i.e. was an ambulance driver or a failed army paramedic. Knows which side of an elastoplast goes next to the skin and how to achieve the maximum pain when removing it. Able to type and use Microsoft Word which is the main reasons he got the job. Has been around the world 5 times and is planning trip no. 6. Claims to know the president, or least the person in charge, of every company in the drilling business. All he talks about is getting a job in production. Dreams of winning the lottery. Usually bribable. Commonly working a scam with the Chief Steward / Chef / Camp Boss on the contents of the Bond.

*Production Staff* – drink a lot of tea and coffee. Know the warmest cosiest places on the rig. Moan like f*ck if they get less than ½ hr break every hour. Constantly carry walkie-talkies that are either switched off or the batteries have run out. Have been in the job since the field started and will likely croak offshore at which point there will be an unholy rush to get the deceased’s job from other hands offshore who know a good thing when they see it.

*ROV Operators* – who knows what happens in that tin box of theirs. They could be relaying endless video tapes of fish swimming around bullseyes for all you know and they usually are. They are either ex-services or ex-gaming arcade addicts. Invariably called Stan or Ron. Look like renegades from gardening makeover programmes. Their high point of the day is to decide where to put the dot in the bullseye. They are in charge of equipment worth millions and think nothing of hitting it with a bigger hammer …but hey….the sea’s too rough for diving today. Stick on another fish video whilst you’re up on your feet and change the satellite channel, would you.

*Radio Operator* – Moody fat bloke that does very little but scowl a lot and talk to someone off the rig on the phone for hours and hours. Plays a mean game of Minesweeper. Glorified curmudgeonly Fax Machine operator. Going thru divorce proceedings. Uncontactable 2 hours either side of a heli landing as he needs to bull****..hmmm…hmmm…talk over the landing procedure and turnaround with the crane operator.

*Chef* – Usually retired services or merchant navy, he couldn’t cook then and he can’t cook now partly accounted for by the fact that the Catering outfit he works for give him 20p/person/day to feed the entire rig, but he still likes to think the world wouldn’t turn without him. If he’s related to anyone, they don’t claim to know him. Usually lives somewhere obscure and miles from anybody else on the rig but knows the towns and places where everyone else lives like the back of his hand and where the best place to drink around there is. Thinks Jock Pie ‘n’ chips every other day is a Healthy Menu option.
Stewards / Catering Staff – Nobody knows who they are or where they come from. They tell a different story each time they are asked. Most are either hiding from the police or their dealers. They always are missing an appendage – ear, eye, finger, gimp leg – you name it. They earn f*ck all but more than the Mudloggers. They all hate the cook and wish he would fall overboard. After 3 hitches offshore they turn themselves in to the police or end up in hospital and are never heard from again. The women are even worse and usually involved in some kind of organized prostitution ring. That lasts till the Toolpusher finds out the Night Company Man is also availing himself of the services on offer or the Toolpushers wife gets the clap.

Al


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## Bob Murdoch

What is your job in the industry? 
Cheers Bob


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## Pat McCardle

I've met & know a few of those guys, well explained Al!


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## oldseamerchant

Bob Murdoch said:


> What is your job in the industry?
> Cheers Bob


I could take a guess!


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## Blackal

oldseamerchant said:


> I could take a guess!


 
Go ahead............. 

Err - I didn't actually make it up - I got it sent to me, so it shouldn't provide any pointers.....

Al (Wave)


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## oldseamerchant

Blackal said:


> Go ahead.............
> 
> Err - I didn't actually make it up - I got it sent to me, so it shouldn't provide any pointers.....
> 
> Al (Wave)


PeggyB\)(Pint)


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## Blackal

oldseamerchant said:


> PeggyB\)(Pint)


 
'Peggy'? no idea - you'll need to elaborate...........

Al


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## oldseamerchant

Blackal said:


> 'Peggy'? no idea - you'll need to elaborate...........
> 
> Al


A mere jokeB\) Al.

Forget about it.


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## John Dryden

That is funny,whoever wrote it has been there and has a wicked sense of humour.


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## forthbridge

I met a lot of these guys when I worked for an oil company.


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## Satanic Mechanic

He's right about the tool pushers that's for sure


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## graymay

Blackal said:


> Oilfield Job Descriptions
> *Oil Co. Honcho* – The Top Bloke. Invariably overseas from location. He puts all the blame on the drilling superintendent when asked why the budget looks so bad and profits are down. He has never liked him anyway and didn’t want him appointed. He feels all the people under him are incompetent. His heroes are Caesar, Napoleon, Hitler and Thatcher. He is a very good golfer and that is about all he does. He’d like to pork the secretary but having come so far up the ladder he has indeed, as opposed to others under him, learned that the consequences of this move would be too far reaching in that he might actually have to work. Talks a lot about Health and Safety when what he really means is ‘cut the costs’. He would rather shoot employees than fire them, but off-site and not on company time. Has few friends and no family. Drives a big Lexus or Jag or Beamer and burns the motor up because he never checks the oil and is always running out of petrol. Believes he should be appointed president of the SPE / API / IADC for life. Wants to do drugs (“for experimental purposes only”) but doesn’t know where to buy them. Would love to see Cherie Blair in a basque and is possibly one of the few people that just might.
> 
> *Drilling Superintendent* – He’s the Co. Man’s boss invariably has an Oxbridge or St. Andrews degree. Got the job due to seniority and because nobody else was prepared to stick their head that far above the trench. Gets the blame for everything because the people under him, somehow or other, get him to make the wrong, final decision at 2:30 a.m. Gets out of the office at 4:00 p.m. but doesn’t get home till 9:00 p.m. Has his wife tell anyone that calls that he isn’t in so the guys who work for him wait till 2:30 a.m. to call because they know he’ll answer the phone then. He is commonly seen as the fall guy for anything bad that happens. Even though his bosses don’t like him they will never fire him because they will need a fall guy. By the age 58 he needs a liver transplant, is developing Alzheimer’s and still does not have the big boat he’s always dreamed of sailing and still never has the time to go away for a weekend trip up the west coast.
> 
> *Petroleum / Drilling Engineer* – Heriot-Watt or Imperial graduate who works for the Oil Co. his father retired from. Is 26 years old and has a attractive wife. Thinks every job is easy and there is never a reason for problems on the rig. Understands non-Euclidean geometry and multi-dimensional mathematics but cannot change the fuse on a plug. Knows about the stock market but is always skint. In fact he never has any cash in his pockets. Buys all his clothes from Man at C ‘n’ A or Burtons and shops at Aldai or another pile-‘em-high cash-‘n’-carry. Thinks he could run the Company better than present management and has read all the books on Scientology and Quantum Mechanics. Is planning to do an MBA.
> Company Man – Employed by the oil company because they needed someone with practical knowledge of drilling a well. Knows everything there is to know about everything. Usually has at least 90 years experience. He has personally drilled the deepest well, been on the world’s worst blowout ever and is the world’s greatest lover. Thinks everyone but himself is dumb. Thinks most toolpushers couldn’t even carry his fully insulated freebie tea drinking vessel. When something bad happens he tells everyone he knew it was going to happen 3 weeks ago and had told everyone but no one would listen to him. Has a unique way of knowing who to put the blame on. Is usually in debt due to large divorce settlement and rumors about layoffs give him nightmares. Still he can “….always go back to Saudi”. Thinks consultants are overpaid and would really like to be one but knows no one in their right mind would hire him. Prays every night he will win the lottery.
> 
> *Consultant Night Company Man* – Overpaid and under-worked. Starting to get afraid that he’s running out of oil companies to work for. Always dreaming of his glory days when he earnt 9/10ths of **** all as a sample catcher. Tells anyone who’ll listen he was this or that company’s trouble-shooter before it went broke or was bought out and everyone was fired. If no one will listen, he sleeps till 5 AM then hassles everyone for their reports so that he can do his then complains that no one got theirs in on time when his is late. Saw the light and became a mud “engineer” and learned the Co. Man business by hanging around the office and answering the phone when the Co. Man and toolpusher went to breakfast. Got his first Co. Man job in the boom of ’78. Has worked all over the world and been held hostage 5 times. Has been to Gaddafi’s beach villa to discuss world problems and chewed coca leaves with the Frente in Colombia. Claims to be a pretty good golfer and fisherman. Has been married 3 or 4 times and tells everyone he knows how to avoid paying child support. Always based ‘overseas’ and has the wildest stories on how to avoid paying tax which never work which is why he moves his country of residence every 4 years.
> O.I.M – That’s short for Offshore Installation Manager in case you didn’t know and boy does he want to let you know. He’s just a glorified toolpusher who ****ed up and was promoted because it would cost too much to fire him. Tells the toolpusher he knows everything and worries a lot about the supply boats, manning levels and ‘potable’ water and how to deliver the next round of cost cuts to the Oil Company / Drilling Company big cheese. Has been to every drilling and management school there is and is either a fisherman or caravanner on the q.t.. Tries to make everyone think he knows how to use the computer but constantly calls the I.T. dept. or radio operator who, as usual, do nothing. Does not like the Toolpusher because of something that happened when they roughnecked together eons ago. Thinks he should be Superintendent and that all Company Men are stupid.
> 
> *Toolpusher (Land Jobs)* – Thinks he’s God, or at least the new Messiah. Dreams of owning a drilling co. and showing the whole world he can drill deeper holes faster than anyone. Talks bad about the Company Man and how he’s always having to bail him out of trouble. Dreams of becoming a Company Man so he can drive a fancy Company air-conditioned Land Cruiser with sand tyres and get fancy coveralls which never get dirty but need to be washed first every time by themselves. Always has a little dog that likes to f*ck everyone’s leg and always says “hey, ain’t that funny…..he jis likes ya” when it happens. Likes to play Canasta, Euchre, Cribbage, Go Johnny Go Go Go Go or some other obscure card game for most of the afternoon with some gullible mug or two. Always manages to shove the pile of jobs on his list onto somebody else’s list leaving him to look very smart and efficient whereas the number of jobs to do remains the same.
> 
> *Toolpusher (Offshore)* – Would like to be able to think he is God. He is a drilling company Cheese nobody. Allegedly in charge of the drilling process and personnel but spends all his time doing paperwork for the OIM, Company Representative, Safety Officer, Drilling Company etc etc. Constantly moans about not being able to get to the drill floor at least to relieve the driller for a smoke-o but secretly loves the warmth of his office and the comfort of his all-singing and dancing tilt-every-way executive chair. Has to ask the OIM what exactly to do every morning. Wonders what movie will be on after 1:00 in the morning. Hopes the satellite receiver is working well because he doesn’t know how change it. More than likely was a scrap merchant or long-distance lorry driver at some time in his life.
> 
> *Driller* – He has worked on every rig in the fleet. Major chip on his shoulder because he thinks he should have been promoted to night pusher by now. He is not related to the toolpusher but knows his wife really well. Definitely believes he should be doing everyone else’s job and could certainly do it better than them in half the time. Always looking to get out of the business – never does.
> 
> *Assistant Driller* – has more jobs to do than anyone and manages to do none of them completely. Always said to be in one place doing one thing when he’s usually somewhere else dinking coffee or smoking a ***. Chief job is to relieve the driller so that he can go and eat, smoke, drink, poo, and relive the days when he was an Assistant Driller if the OIM will allow him to do that. If not trusted with this task then his main modus operandi is moving from a to b whilst looking busy.
> 
> *Derrickman* – Gets paid about 20p more per hour than floorhands and thinks he’s getting rich. He’s either young, strong and stupid or old and bored. Usually he is related to the driller. Thinks the AD is a ******. Gets very protective of the rig pumps. Is usually the only person that understands the mess of lines, pumps, valves, hoppers, overside lines, bungs etc etc between the pumps, mud pits, alongside boats and rigfloor but still manages to dump 600bbl of oil-base mud straight through the pits and back to the ogin on the other side of the rig the first time oil-base comes onboard. If half interested can become a mud-engineer (see below).
> 
> *Roughneck* – Was a roustabout but was promoted to roughneck when the real one couldn’t make it because he was either locked up or got the sack for turning up to the check-in pissed. He is the toolpusher’s brother’s youngest son.
> 
> *Roustabout* – A roughneck wannabee, but usually too dumb to become one. A walking hazard. Commonly seen lurking in the corner of the tea-shack with a gleekit look on his coupon with others of similar ilk – they too are roustabouts. The one with the yellow jacket is the banksman. Likes the idea of becoming a Mudlogger till he finds out how much money they make.
> 
> *Directional Driller* – Likes to think he is bigger than God. 34-45 years old with 5 to 6 years toolpushing, surveying, mud or MWD experience. Got the job because he could turn on a calculator and knows which way the sun rises and sets. The drilling company he was pushing tools for went broke and the best he could do with another company was floorhand. He didn’t want to come down the ladder because when he climbed up it he left too much poo behind. Either that or got fed up in one of the other lines and again had shat on everyone else in that field so much that he needed to move to another line where “…his job expertise was valued”. Always knows ahead of time that something bad was going to happen and knows who to blame. Nothing is ever his fault. Some are married to very young girls, usually Thai or Indonesian, and some are not, But most are paying child support. They all have a boat but never use it. They all live outside of the city or are aiming to. Most of their wives have affairs and those taken up are usually other directional drillers. By the time they are 50 they have nerve problems, alcohol problems, high blood pressure and are impotent. Their wife has run off with a younger directional hand. Later in life no one wants to be around them and they wind up in a nursing home for the poor and mentally unstable where they may run into an old rig electrician they once worked with. The two of them generally die about two days apart.
> 
> *Directional Driller Trainee* – Never learns anything because the older directional hand is afraid the trainee may be willing to work cheaper than he is and so will teach him nothing. Knows how to turn on the DD’s computer which is more than the senior DD who refuses to touch the thang. Always calling his wife because they have never been apart for more than 14 days and he’s heard all the stories about DD wives who are left alone for too long. Had a happy young family but won’t have it for too much longer – they either won’t be young or they won’t be happy or they won’t be family. He tells everyone it will never happen to him, but we all know it will. As for the few who make it through training, see above.
> 
> *Mud Engineers* – Job title deceiving. They are not really engineers. However they are good talkers and commonly excellent liars. Their job is to play with the drilling fluid and from time to time recommend a recipe to add to it, but because of his title most people think he is smarter than the people he works for are. The derrick hand carries his load for him. He has worked on every rig in every company's fleet. Worked deeper, hotter, colder, flew higher, flew lower, taken the worst chopper ride, taken the best chopper ride and so on and so on. Just ask him if you don’t believe it. Don’t expect to get the true value of anything from him. You might as well make it up yourself because it’s what he does anyway.
> 
> *MWD Engineers* – Generally, have too much education and not enough common sense. Very few are married and the ones who are never talk about their wives. They never laugh and talk very little but bull**** endlessly in obscure MWDese. Their silence is a cover for the disgust they have for themselves for the waste of time and money they have spent in education only to find some schemie makes 2-3 times more money then they do on the rigfloor. When sex is brought up, they walk away or relapse into a corner to read Loaded, GQ or some other ‘lad’ mag. You never see one over the age of 45 and no one seems to know what happened to them (Hint: they usually become teachers). They watch too much television and worship the ground that some beardie folk musician or band walk on. They always drink real ale and discourse excessively upon the subject of rugger or cricket. They look and behave like renegades from Top Gear. Their activity level may perk up from that of somnambulistic dubious screen watchers to mere interest when there are problems with their equipment but they have the ‘geological’ bug of being totally incapable of giving a definitive answer without resorting to if’s, but’s, maybe’s and chapters 4,5,and 6 of the MWD Book of Excuses.
> 
> *Mudloggers *– Strange individuals. Just past being students but still yearn to be back at uni. Educated enough to wake up in the morning, but guilty of doing the stupidest things. Invariably wear weird clothing and have at least one piece of scrap metal pierced in them somewhere and at least one tattoo. Always have weird hair. . They all look like renegades from Time Team without the Wurzel Gummidge accent or the Dr Mick barnet and jumper (though some have all the above). May be working on a video project / writing a book / mixing a record / an eco-warrior in their time off. The women are even worse and manage to do even less whilst getting uppity about wummin’s rights. The fact that every bloke on the site is trying to tap off does not escape them and they use this whilst proclaiming the sexism thang should they be challenged after loving up whilst doing something practical. They never tap off with anyone below toolpusher level. They think the Geologist runs the oil patch and think they can do better than the geologist on site. Have very pale complexions and are Geologist wannabees. When they finally realize that they do not have the level of bull**** required or the Oxbridge first they become MWD or Mud “Engineers”. Always say that they will call you back when asked for a definitive answer.
> Geologist. – Come in two sub-species though there is much interbreeding and common traits between the different strands – both usually showing large amounts of facial hair - and both inhabit very similar environments. Defo Time Team renegades and as interesting as Money Box Live. Uncanny ability to be totally impractical and never to be able to answer a straight question with a straight answer.
> 
> *Type A:* (Geologicus Snobodensius oxbridgiensis) Possessed of an intellect the size of a minor planet and two left feet. Unable to do most things for him/herself (indeed there are females of the species), s/he will commonly be found close to the company man and in possession of an inordinate amount of power for one so nerdy. Often heard in the field before seen and distinguished on sound before sight - the call being a loud, brash, enthusiastic and plummy, sometimes even described as “bar-steward posh”. Major aversion to dirt or graft (similar to DD’s in this area). May be called Torquil, Alasdair, Padraig, Jocasta or Doctor Rob.
> 
> *Type B*: (Geologicus Oncealogger autisticus) For overlapping characteristics see ‘Mudlogger’. Occupy a transitional phase between Type A and the logger. Trying to be sophisticated but still end up owning a used series 3 Black Mans Willy. Know the difference between grey, light grey and buff grey. Unable to add 2 + 2 without getting an answer somewhere between plus and minus 2 million.
> Bit Salesman / Reps. – They almost always have bad backs, good looking wives and a low golf handicap. Know who’s been hired and who’s been sacked and which is the best rig in the field, and which job another company has ****** up (again…Tsskkkk!!!). He also knows the best titty bars and even knows the girls there by their real names. Got out of another offshore job because it looked like it might involve a bit of work or responsibility. Greases the wheels of the industry whilst talking a load of old pony that’s been fed to him by some boffin in Research. Able to read an IADC Report. Wants to be or is a freemason. Bull**** on legs.
> 
> *Cementer* – Has to call the office for every job. Does his very best to work the entire hitch without ever going to his cement unit. Gets more sleep than anyone on the rig and missed his vocation as a professional bed tester. When not sleeping he can usually be found painting a piece of obscure pipe. Worries about gaining weight and whether his relief will get out on time before the next cement job. His primary duty is to answer the phone in the service company office and program the satellite receiver.
> 
> *Rig Mechanic* – An old motorman who can no longer lift his little toolbox. Got the job because he knows the superintendent. Gave the superinten his first job on a drilling rig way back when. Not related to anyone on the rig and likes it that way. Will soon retire to somewhere far away from anything to do with oil and spend his time renovating (including hand-lathing all the new parts) vintage vacuum cleaners. Has a pleasant wife that makes jam.
> 
> *Motorman* – Too old to pull slips but knows how to fix the Kelly spinner and brake. Tinkers with old cars or motorbikes when onshore. Has his own little toolbox. He is the toolpusher’s uncle. Wanted the Storeman’s job but the guy was too well connected.
> Crane Operator – Has many responsibilities. The most important being to hand important looking papers to the heli-pilot in his other role as HLO. Always looking for an above average roustabout he can train to run the crane so all he has to do is stand around, stay clean, **** everybody else off with the medic and do the occasional heli landing (platform crane operator). Usually related to someone in the drilling company office.
> 
> *Storeman* – Knows how to change the satellite receiver system and is in charge of all gayball pools and sweeps. Dreams of Aberdeen winning the SPL. Does not own coveralls or steel toed boots but draws a fresh set every quarter from his personal stores which is indeed his fiefdom. Stashes often used parts in obscure places which only he knows about. Runs an inventory on his computer which requires an Enigma machine to decode anything about the stock held and where exactly it is. Hasn’t got a clue what a drilling rig really does and doesn’t want to know. Has more deals going than Las Vegas.
> 
> *Safety Officer* – Knows how to read and write and has the ability to look really important when a helicopter lands or a meeting is called. Can never do anything outside as he has to be present at every meeting called inside. The rig cannot operate without him. He also knows how to program the satellite receiver and answer the phone but is unable to find the radio office. Always worried about how much other people weigh. Tries to keep everyone awake at safety meetings usually failing. Tries extra hard to make friends without succeeding. Is possessed with a scurrilous nickname which everybody knows including himself. Manages to be in every photograph taken at rigsite by some strange feat.
> 
> *Rig Electrician* – Had his own business a while back but went bust. His wife’s cousin, the night toolpusher, got him the job. Usually been on the same rig for 20-30 years. Hangs on until forced to retire and then ends up in the nursing home for the poor. There he meets an old Directional Driller he might have once worked with and keeps himself busy there fixing electric wheelchairs. The ones who get laid off before they’re 70th birthday go to work for traveling fairs or scrap yards. Earns more doing undeclared homers when onshore than he does offshore. Never available when required.
> 
> *Rig Welder* – He can never be found and the only ones who believe his stories are the roustabouts. Always says he’s working on something but needs more time to finish. Usually 45 years old or so. Used to be in the armed forces and sometimes still thinks he is or wishes he was. Still learning to read. Always daydreaming about drink and complaining about the food. One of the drillers is his mother’s sister’s brother-in-law’s son and the driller thinks his relative is the best welder who ever lived.
> 
> *Medic / Dispatcher* – Used to work in the health business onshore i.e. was an ambulance driver or a failed army paramedic. Knows which side of an elastoplast goes next to the skin and how to achieve the maximum pain when removing it. Able to type and use Microsoft Word which is the main reasons he got the job. Has been around the world 5 times and is planning trip no. 6. Claims to know the president, or least the person in charge, of every company in the drilling business. All he talks about is getting a job in production. Dreams of winning the lottery. Usually bribable. Commonly working a scam with the Chief Steward / Chef / Camp Boss on the contents of the Bond.
> 
> *Production Staff* – drink a lot of tea and coffee. Know the warmest cosiest places on the rig. Moan like f*ck if they get less than ½ hr break every hour. Constantly carry walkie-talkies that are either switched off or the batteries have run out. Have been in the job since the field started and will likely croak offshore at which point there will be an unholy rush to get the deceased’s job from other hands offshore who know a good thing when they see it.
> 
> *ROV Operators* – who knows what happens in that tin box of theirs. They could be relaying endless video tapes of fish swimming around bullseyes for all you know and they usually are. They are either ex-services or ex-gaming arcade addicts. Invariably called Stan or Ron. Look like renegades from gardening makeover programmes. Their high point of the day is to decide where to put the dot in the bullseye. They are in charge of equipment worth millions and think nothing of hitting it with a bigger hammer …but hey….the sea’s too rough for diving today. Stick on another fish video whilst you’re up on your feet and change the satellite channel, would you.
> 
> *Radio Operator* – Moody fat bloke that does very little but scowl a lot and talk to someone off the rig on the phone for hours and hours. Plays a mean game of Minesweeper. Glorified curmudgeonly Fax Machine operator. Going thru divorce proceedings. Uncontactable 2 hours either side of a heli landing as he needs to bull****..hmmm…hmmm…talk over the landing procedure and turnaround with the crane operator.
> 
> *Chef* – Usually retired services or merchant navy, he couldn’t cook then and he can’t cook now partly accounted for by the fact that the Catering outfit he works for give him 20p/person/day to feed the entire rig, but he still likes to think the world wouldn’t turn without him. If he’s related to anyone, they don’t claim to know him. Usually lives somewhere obscure and miles from anybody else on the rig but knows the towns and places where everyone else lives like the back of his hand and where the best place to drink around there is. Thinks Jock Pie ‘n’ chips every other day is a Healthy Menu option.
> Stewards / Catering Staff – Nobody knows who they are or where they come from. They tell a different story each time they are asked. Most are either hiding from the police or their dealers. They always are missing an appendage – ear, eye, finger, gimp leg – you name it. They earn f*ck all but more than the Mudloggers. They all hate the cook and wish he would fall overboard. After 3 hitches offshore they turn themselves in to the police or end up in hospital and are never heard from again. The women are even worse and usually involved in some kind of organized prostitution ring. That lasts till the Toolpusher finds out the Night Company Man is also availing himself of the services on offer or the Toolpushers wife gets the clap.
> 
> Al


 Must admit, I am working as a Superintendent and the description is indeed accurate.


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