# Cold Calling



## A.D.FROST (Sep 1, 2008)

Does any one have any funnies about telephone reply's on phones, ER to the bridge?.(quote) "you've got one more start or two toots on the whistle before we run out of air"


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## kewl dude (Jun 1, 2008)

Middle of the night Captain on the bridge tries to phone the galley instead awakes the First A/E with: "A pot of coffee and four pieces of toast and no paint brush." 

The galley commonly used a paint brush, sitting in a bowl of very warm butter, to butter toast.

Greg Hayden


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## Robert Hilton (Feb 13, 2011)

I was the apprentice filling in the movement bridge book while another apprentice, "Miffy" Smith, was answering the telephone and, of course repeating back each message. 

I heard him say, "Line ashore forward sir. Don't shout in your ear sir."


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## Steve Oatey (Feb 6, 2008)

"War Office - want a fight?" "Village pond - duty duck".
"You've got two movements left, and one of them is Stop"


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## Burntisland Ship Yard (Aug 2, 2008)

You've one movement and it better be stop !

Happy memories.


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## stevekelly10 (Apr 3, 2012)

I always replied to calls from cargo control room, Hello Battersea dogs home !


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## ART6 (Sep 14, 2010)

"Dear God, how long does it take you people to answer the telephone?"
"Don't know. I'll consult with my disciples!"

"Hello. Engine room?"
"Don't ask me lad, I only just got here."

Upon leaving port: "Engine room, water on deck please."
"What do you expect. It's a bloody ship!"

"Full away as soon as we've cleared the Nab Tower."
"Fine. Better than hitting it I suppose!"


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## Binnacle (Jul 22, 2005)

The second engineer had a rather high pitched screechy voice, he was also rather gullible. When phoning the ER on his watch we would always used RT like jargon "bridge to engine room" of course he responded with "ER to bridge". For amusement when the old man was on the bridge we would sometimes phone the second with a time check. She was fitted with the new to us Marconiphones ? so we turned up the volume and his voice would come booming through "ER to bridge, ER to bridge, all received, Roger. The old man would look at the phone in disgust and shout out " that man, where the hell does he think he is."
The phones were pretty sensitive, the second mate when berthing made a derogatory remark on the poop about the OM and pilot's ship handling skills, back came a quick response from the OM "that's enough of that xxxxx".


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## sibby (Aug 23, 2010)

When the bridge rang aft as we were tying up or letting go the second mate used to answer, The jewish port of guardience and the maternity home for unmarried mothers, it was the third mate who usually called, but one day the old man rang, he was not best pleased with the second mate.


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## A.D.FROST (Sep 1, 2008)

During a break down(Doxford)Bridge to ER this is the Captain, is the C/E there, don't know what does he look like,can you describe him because ever one looks the same to me when their covered in shhhhhite.


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## BobClay (Dec 14, 2007)

Ring ring:

"Hello, you're through to the City Desk."

Few seconds of confused silence: "Errrrr ... we've got a problem with number two cargo pump ... "

Shouts to one side: "HOLD THE FRONT PAGE !! BIG STORY COMING THROUGH ..."


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## stevekelly10 (Apr 3, 2012)

BobClay said:


> Ring ring:
> 
> "Hello, you're through to the City Desk."
> 
> ...


Wish I had a a £1 for every phone call I have received about problems with cargo pumps ! 9 times out of ten, tell them to check their valves as it's obvious they have a valve shut somewhere! Lo and behold 5 mins later the problem has disappeared !


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## A.D.FROST (Sep 1, 2008)

ART6 said:


> "Dear God, how long does it take you people to answer the telephone?"
> "Don't know. I'll consult with my disciples!"
> 
> "Hello. Engine room?"
> ...


Why is it that the Deck Dept. always asked for water on deck but never Finished with water on deck?some times I thought they had NightVision Glasses the time I've been asked to put it on


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## twogrumpy (Apr 23, 2007)

Much like the OP.
We had a problem with the automatic air to main engine valve, it tended to stick open and dump all the starting air to the bilges.
Leaving some port in Japan I called the bridge and asked the OM how close to the rocks we were, why says he? well you have one more start left and that's it.

Later in the bar, "Phill, why is it always you that calls me at times like that".


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## stehogg (Mar 14, 2016)

Not quite on the same subject but ships telephone related.Lord John Bursey a C/E in blue flu would apparently deride any poor engineer who after answering his call would sign off with "OK Chief".Immediately the phone would ring again with the irrate said C/E bellowing down the phone,"my name is Mr Bursey or sir I am not a f####g Red Indian"(maybe heresay?)


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## Butters (Nov 10, 2005)

Funniest one I had was the phone call from the Engineroom when departing a certain Port - what the f... is going on - reply don't do anything we are trying to extract the Old Man's trouser pocket from the telegraph handle .


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## BobClay (Dec 14, 2007)

Ring ring

"Hello ?"

"In the last port, did you lift the Walkers Log probe when we went in ?"

"Errrr .... I think it may have been overlooked."

"Well it's overlooking us now from the great big probe heaven in the sky."

"Oh, is that why it's not working ?"

LOUD CLICK. (Followed by the sort of language you only hear at the Guildford Women's Institute Jam Making Committee when Bessie Jenkinsop won the annual Best Jam prize for the fifth year in a row.)


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## sidsal (Nov 13, 2007)

Mashud of Brocklebank line - at the end of ww2 we set about dumping the concrete slabs which lotsof ships had around the wheelhouse tp defend against bombs, shrapnel etc. On taking the ones from the front of thewheelhouse we discovered the voice pipe to the masters cabin below. The elderly captain said to me ( 3rd Mate)- " I wondered where this was. I'll go down and give me a minute or two and then blow down it to see if it still works. After a while I blew strongly down it and shortly afterwards he appeared wiggling his finger in his ear. Apparently when he put the tube to his ear and I blew - a lot of ***-ends and dust showered out into his ear !!


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## A.D.FROST (Sep 1, 2008)

stehogg said:


> Not quite on the same subject but ships telephone related.Lord John Bursey a C/E in blue flu would apparently deride any poor engineer who after answering his call would sign off with "OK Chief".Immediately the phone would ring again with the irrate said C/E bellowing down the phone,"my name is Mr Bursey or sir I am not a f####g Red Indian"(maybe heresay?)


On one ship first trip Eng.Cadet signed of Ok "Skipper" back came the roar I am not the man on a tin of sardines and its Sir back came the reply Not until you get the sword across the sholders,whose that came the reply............Thank F..K came the sigh(Ouch)


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## A.D.FROST (Sep 1, 2008)

Butters said:


> Funniest one I had was the phone call from the Engineroom when departing a certain Port - what the f... is going on - reply don't do anything we are trying to extract the Old Man's trouser pocket from the telegraph handle .


It wasn't you that moved the telegraph pointer from FULL AHEAD to FULL ASTERN)to clean behind the pointer (which was hinged)They aresill cleaning the crap of the ER telegraph(?HUH)


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## twogrumpy (Apr 23, 2007)

And the newly joined 3/O who had never been with bridge control before and rang noon on the telegraph.


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## sternchallis (Nov 15, 2015)

kewl dude said:


> Middle of the night Captain on the bridge tries to phone the galley instead awakes the First A/E with: "A pot of coffee and four pieces of toast and no paint brush."
> 
> The galley commonly used a paint brush, sitting in a bowl of very warm butter, to butter toast.
> 
> Greg Hayden


And what was the 1st AE's reply? ******off.


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## GWB (Jul 11, 2007)

Coming in to port and the phone rings. You are making Black Soke. Ring boileroom. Short time later you are making White Smoke ring Boilerroom again. Phone rings again you are now making Grey smoke I replied what f----- colour do you want. Called to Chiefs Cabin asked why I swore at the captain I replied how does he know it was me I have never meet him, you were the only guy on the plates with heavy Scottish accent. did not go down well had to do 8 hours overtime in Generator overhauls.


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## Les Gibson (Apr 24, 2004)

Posted this true story on another thread some time back:
I was first trip lecky on Commons ore carrier Afghanistan. Arriving Monrovia (I think) was doing the movement book and ship jolted, obviously had touched the quay. CE walked passed me and touched the back of my thigh "Write bump felt lecky" Have you guessed yet? I wrote 'Bum felt' His response when he checked the book later was unprintable even using xxs. he had made my life hell during the first few months but I learned more during that time than in my whole apprenticeship.
This next one is also on another thread:
Apparently the following exchange took place on an Empress boat (CP ships) 
Phone rings in Engine room 
Junior engineer "Nerve centre"
Old man "That's no way to answer tha phone"
J.E " Couldn't care less"
O.M. "Do you who this is?"
J.E. "No, do you know who this is?
O.M " No"
J.E "Thank FuXX for that"
Hangs up
Bear in mind that there were 22 engineers and 10 electricians on those ships so it could have been almost anyone on the phone


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## Micky Bodill (Jan 3, 2015)

My first trip as Chief on a coaster, only been on board 12 hours. We were berthed between two larger ships in Portsmouth and manoeuvring to leave . Ours was an old boat originally built in Sweden and had had a replacement engine of indeterminate make.
Anyway the bridge control broke and I had to start the engine by hand.
I had to tell the bridge "I can start the engine but don't know which direction it will go in." All the controls were in a language I didn't understand. Luckily Ahead was asked for and I guessed right. Phew !!!


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## Stephen J. Card (Nov 5, 2006)

During the night watches I usually around the bridge deck a few times, the wings, around the back of the funnel and have quick look inside the funnel and down to see the engine. Unmanned E/R. Two occasions I called the duty engineer. First was to see the tops of the engine all covered in black oil.... ruptured fuel line. Second time, the big Kincaid B&W 9 cyl looked all fine, except the last two units. The rocker arms were motionless. I called and the duty engineer asked, "How can you tell?"  

Best ever call on Avon Bridge. At the end of the watch, call the Junior and ask, "Hello Eric, can I have the revs and the sea temperature please?" Usually took a few minutes because the Junior had a bit of a stutter. He came back with, "The revs are n.... n....nn, nnnnn..... nnnnnnn.....nnnnnn ninty-five! The sea temperature is.... twe.... t...t..... t.... tweeee........t ...t ... t.... t........... t,t,t..... twent.....t... t..... SAME AS IT WAS YESTERDAY!"


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## k.atkinson (Jan 19, 2011)

Twice I had occasion to phone the bridge after a flurry of starts and stops including two that reversed the previous command before the engine would let me and tell them they had two movements left. Both times there were no further commands until FWE so how many of those previous were necessary.


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## Ianridd (Feb 6, 2021)

On the Baltistan on its final trip before handing over to the Greeks , problem with the eng.room phone and it was decided to try and use the voicepipe . After 21 years of service with various items discarded down the tube the 4th eng.thought it would be a good idea to blow some air up the voicepipe , straight from the bottles, 600psi. It certainly cleared the blockage but you can imagine that the old man was not very happy with state of the bridge .


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## sternchallis (Nov 15, 2015)

Ianridd said:


> On the Baltistan on its final trip before handing over to the Greeks , problem with the eng.room phone and it was decided to try and use the voicepipe . After 21 years of service with various items discarded down the tube the 4th eng.thought it would be a good idea to blow some air up the voicepipe , straight from the bottles, 600psi. It certainly cleared the blockage but you can imagine that the old man was not very happy with state of the bridge .


Good tale, but very much doubt it would be 600 psi , more like 100-150 psi, the ER air line pressure which would still do the business. You couldn't handle 600 psi in a hose or even find a connection apart from the condensate drains, which would have been more interesting sending up a shower of oily white water, of which so much would come back and catch you.
I wonder if any body on the bridge of a ship would blow down and whistle, the give it a moment and pour a bucket/ mug of cold sea water/tea down just as the engineer puts his ear to the funnel. The retaliation.


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