# What's your funniest sea story?



## dbayman (Jan 29, 2012)

There were lots of funny yarns when I was at sea some true some so greatly embroidered there was hardly a grain of truth. But this one is true - honest gov !

On one LOF tanker which shall remain nameless the old man was a bit of a dispso, hardly sober between ports. (no pun intended)

One night while sailing northwards through the Red Sea, on the way to Rotterdam, from the Gulf, the quartermaster came in from the wing of the bridge to inform the 3rd mate that a ship astern was flashing on the Aldis.

The 3rd mate thought that this was highly unusual a ship flashing from astern and it was only after second thoughts he decided to respond.

"What ship" ? came the message from the vessel astern

What a W**ker thought the third mate as he flashed out the ships name.

"WE HAVE YOUR CAPTAIN ON BOARD" came the reply from the ship astern.

Seems the old man in his drunken stuper had decided to take a dip in the Red Sea !!!!

cheers
Bill


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## trotterdotpom (Apr 29, 2005)

Heard the same story Dbayman - pretty sure he was an Estonian who had escaped Nazi oppression in a stolen German U Boat. A big history and not all that sure that booze was involved.

Another LOF yarn was about the 2nd Mate who was chucking his curly pink lint sandwich over the wall during the 12 to 4 and spotted a French Foreign Legionaire on a raft beside the ship. They picked him up and it turned out he'd deserted from a French troopship bound for Viet Nam. As the LOF ship was heading for Saigon, where he would have been in deep doo-doo, they went back to Singapore and dropped him off there. He later wrote a book about his legion experiences and credited the crap bridge box sandwich with his survival. The book was supposedly aboard all LOF ships at one stage, but, needless to say, they all disappeared.

By the way Dbayman, if you haven't already found it, there is and LOF website at http://www.lof-news.co.uk/

Welcome to SN.

John T


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## dbayman (Jan 29, 2012)

yes - seen the LOF site - an old C/O I sailed with made me submit a story about him

cheers
Bill


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## Nick Balls (Apr 5, 2008)

I remember this story from when i was working for LOF. Its pretty extraordinary!


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## uisdean mor (Sep 4, 2008)

Scottish Shipping - Cape Race I think. A very humorous incident when a seaway was cut in the ice unexpectedly and left a certain person marooned mid river ( St Lawrence). Not sure of exact details so will wait to see if any SSM lads come back with chapter and verse. 
Return later 
Rgds 
Uisdean


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## Robert M Hughes (Oct 16, 2010)

Leaving a pukka Royal Mail Liner to go solo on a Geordie collier an AB came to me one day and said 'Joe X an EDH was sick would I visit him in the foc'sle as he had a message to send. Arriving at his bunk I was surprised to be greeted by a cheerful buxom blonde who enquired if I needed any 'assistance'. Great hilarity among the crew up there. I subsequently realised it not unusual for a 'working girl' to take a round trip entertaining on a group discount basis or perhaps a BOGOF nowadays !! She certainly wasn't about to visit Battersea Power station ! Anyone who plied the east coast will have some lively experiences - most of the docks were wide open.
Bob


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## Tom(Tucker)Kirby (Nov 22, 2009)

A Royal Mail cargo boat at anchor in Santos,Brazil in the fifties. The skipper was rumoured to be "light footed" so to speak. I made my way to a deserted wheelhouse to use the binoculars, and spotted the Skipper and the chief Steward in a romantic embrace on the wing of the bridge.


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## gdynia (Nov 3, 2005)

On a Stag Line ship called IXIA at anchor off the west coast of North America
Agent had informed the Captain if we docked on the Friday morning would be out again on Saturday fully loaded. Everyone was cheesed off as had a long bad northern pacific crossing. Pilot boarded vessel in afternoon said to Old Man you wont work until Monday. He said he had been calling all morning on the 8 to 12 watch but no reply. Old Man said to Third Mate did you hear the vessel being called he had but the Pilot was calling One X one A(1X1A) so Third Mate did not respond needless to say he had free beer all weekend


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## Sparks51 (Feb 11, 2012)

*Fake anchor drop*

In Aden, Junior Engineer purchased latest stereo 'Ghetto Blaster' with portable tape recorder. Ship sailed to anchor in the 'roads' while some minor repairs were made. J/E recorded good length of anchor being dropped. When ship sailed on very calm evening, J/E got on the p... in his cabin, decided to replay the taped anchor drop through the forward-facing ports at max volume.

Third Mate on watch thought the anchors had broken loose and rang down emergency full astern to the engineroom on the telegraph. J/E got into trouble!


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## jamesgpobog (Feb 18, 2012)

*My best joke ever....*

While I think that I have a pretty good sense of humor, I’ve never really thought of myself as a practical joker. That is, until I started writing some of my sea stories down. Looking back, I have been party to some pretty spectacular practical jokes, and I think this one was my best.
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It was another middle of the night watch in the boiler room of Mispillion with BT3 Ken Dodd leading the section, and me as messenger/burners. I have no memory if there were others. If this happened in port, it is entirely possible there were only the two of us in the boiler room, but there may have been someone on the check level also.

The gauge board tells you everything you need to know about the operating status of each boiler. Each boiler has a complete set of gauges, and there are four boilers, so there’s a lot of stuff to look at. The board actually has a name; it is called the Bailey Board, because it is part of an entire combustion control system designed by Bailey Control Systems and run on compressed air. So, for example, a steam or oil pressure gauge is not directly operated by the steam or oil, but rather they are slaved and run on the compressed air. There are many small pipes and lines behind the board, and you can easily climb behind it. Many gauges have been hung on the board over the years, so there’s lots of little peepholes. The board also does not go clear down to the deck, so there’s a little gap of about 3 or 4 inches.

Obviously, the state of the compressed air system is critical; if it failed, there would be false readings on every gauge on the board, not something that you want to have with running boilers. Therefore, there is a klaxon horn alarm that will sound if the air pressure drops.

There needs to be provision for the horn to be serviced also, so there’s a valve that shuts off air to the horn, allowing it to be serviced or replaced. If the valve is shut, the air bleeds off and the horn will sound with no effect on the operation of the board.

And so the stage is set. Dodd had brought a blanket along with him and not long after we were all down there, Dodd announced that he was going to take a nap. He sat down in front of the board on a 5 gallon paint can, wrapped the blanket around him, laid his folded arms and his head on his knees and went to sleep.

It didn’t take long for the wheels to start turning in my brain, and it wasn’t a very complicated joke. After waiting a short while to make sure Dodd was asleep, I got a CO2 fire extinguisher and moved behind the board, took a good peek at Dodd sleeping on the paint can, and shut the air off to the alarm horn.

It took about 15 seconds for the air to bleed off and when it did, the klaxon went off with its characteristic growling howl of “ah-OOOO-gah!”. 

The effect was nothing less than spectacular. It was a thing of beauty. Dodd came straight up off his paint can, throwing his arms wide. Since he was still holding his blanket, the effect looked like Count Dracula. As soon as his head started to come up, I let fly with the CO2 through the gap at the bottom of the board, adding the whoosh of the frosty gas to the noise, and creating a huge white cloud that looked like smoke. It scared him to death. He was _really_ pissed at me and ended up chasing me all around the fire room for about 15 minutes. 

I still laugh at him about that one and remind him of it every time I see him.


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## Sparks51 (Feb 11, 2012)

*BP Tankers - engineroom maintenance team*

Does anyone have memories of a six-man specialist engineroom repair team that BP employed in the early 70's?
I remember them aboard the Duchess in May 1972 when (for my 21st birthday party) they put on an hilarious skit supposedly a ventreloquist and his dummy. They kept us all in tears of laughter for the month they were aboard.

Anyone else encountered this team?

Cheers, Stew


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